Head in the sand

September 21, 2011

There are times in my life where I get a real pit in my stomach.  Sometimes I think it is too much coffee, but the older I get, I realize that it is probably stress and me being on overload.  Other times it is because I do not want to face certain truths.  I will tend to gloss over things that I am afraid of.  When mom says she is feeling depressed, I think to myself, “Nah…she is just having a bad day.”  I try to talk her into “not” feeling that way.  It is my belief that if I don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.  The proverbial head in the sand stance has been my motto for a long time.  I don’t like to admit this, but guilty as charged.

So, I am trying to face these realities; that with the cancer and all the other things going on in my everyday life, mom could have some depression.  Another thing that I cannot fix but by listening and being there, I can make it better in some way.  She has increased her Prozac and I am hoping that will help her through this stage in her life.  Dr. Zakem said on Tuesday that her blood counts are good and that she is doing well with the treatment thus far.  She started her second round of chemo this week and has taken the flu shot to ward off any illness that can be prevented.  He also said that her immune system should be okay but to be cautious around those who are sick.

Tomorrow I will be to spend some quality time with my mom and try to be a better listener and not quench the pit in my stomach by dismissing her feelings.

Thank you for the prayers that have been helping her with any nausea and horrible side effects she could be experiencing.

Overload

September 16, 2011

I am not sure if everyone knows this, but between Muskegon and Ann Arbor there are three, count them….three Cracker Barrels along the way.  My dad has each one memorized with the exit numbers…. both ways if anyone is interested. 

Upon arrival at U of M, mom offered up more blood and then we met with Dr. Goldstein to discuss what all is involved in the stem cell transplant.  He was very thorough with his explanations and even put it in terms that we could easily understand.  Well, I understood it so I guess through osmosis, the folks do too.

After her rounds of chemo in Grand Rapids, she will be tested to see how the cancer has reacted to the treatment.  If it has put it into remission enough, we would then start the procedure to harvest her own stem cells to freeze for later “rescue”.  They would want to harvest enough to do two transplants if necessary or if she was a candidate for a clinical trial that would require it.  Before the harvest, she would have her major organs tested; heart, lung function, liver, etc to make sure she would be able to handle the treatment.  She would then be given a drug to get her body to grow more stem cells than normal in order to make sure they could harvest enough. After the harvest, about two weeks, she would then come to U of M to get a “sledgehammer” of chemo which would essentially kill off everything in her blood including the good cells.  This major chemo treatment would not be possible if it weren’t for the “rescue” stem cells that were harvested from her when she was as cancer free as she could be.  The frozen stem cells would be thawed and put back into her body to reproduce and increase her red and white cells.  She would be at U of M for about a month for this process and then depending on what treatment she decides upon or the clinical trial she is recommended for, she could then be in for more chemo and maintenance drugs, another transplant with maintenance drugs afterwards, or just maintenance drugs.

It is all so up in the air right now because she is just starting her chemo series and we are not really sure how her body will react to the chemo.  I am hoping that she does not get so bogged down by the process and how massive it all seems that she doesn’t want to do it.  The benefits seem to far outweigh the risks involved, but then again, I am not the one who is going through this.  I just pray that when the decision is made that it will be the decision that God places on her heart.

End of session one

September 9, 2011

I always enjoy the time we get to spend together, my mom and I, riding to GR and waiting for the i.v. to finish.  Sometimes it is about silly things we discuss and others it is something deep and meaningful.  I never know where our conversations will go, they just happen.  No agenda, just talk.  I think I am starting to understand how my friends feel when they say how much they miss that time with their moms.  Those whose mothers have passed so long ago; the cherished times just to sit and talk.  These are the times I am starting to cling to and by writing about them, I hope to remember them well into the future.

So, her first round of chemo has gone very well.  Aside from the fact she can’t seem to get her bowels regulated, she is doing as well as expected.  I never thought that after my kids were out of diapers that I would ever be discussing someone’s poop habits again, but I guess we have come full circle.  Friends and family have been doing a good job of praying for the chemo to go well.  If we could just get her pain level down from the hip area, she would be almost her old self again.  A physical therapist is coming this afternoon to give her tips on getting herself in and out of bed and up and down from the couch or chair.  It seems like those are the hardest times for her and cause her pain.

 On Friday, September 16, we will be heading to U of M to discuss her stem cell transplant and find out if she is a candidate for that procedure.  She will be seeing Dr. Hamati at the end of the month as well to see if there is something he can do for her pain which is located mostly in the pelvic area which I believe is where her biggest lesion is located.  Here’s to a week off of driving, giving my dad a much needed break, and to see where we are headed next.

One Week Down

September 2, 2011

Mom and I gave the morning off so he could get a little break from us girls.  We headed over to Metro to get another round of Valcade and things did go well.  She has not had any nausea today which is a blessing, but she is having more pain in her back.  This pain is mostly in the hip area so she is taking a little more of the pain meds.  As always, we had quite a conversation on the way over and a little during the treatment about how things are going and how to deal with the day to day struggles.  We talked a little to the nurse who was administering the chemo today, but because she was not her regular nurse, we didn't get a whole lot of information.

Good news yesterday from Dr. Hamati's office regarding her xrays they took while she had her stitches out.  He did not see any fracturing of any of her bones so that is a blessing.  While he feels the cancer is causing some of her additional pain, he feels that the chemo could help with that.  She did call her family doctor to see about uping her Prozac to try to take some of the depression away during this time.

She has requested direct prayers for the chemo treatment to be successful enough so she will not have to go through it for another round after this one is complete, and that it be successful enough for her to undergo the bone marrow transplant.  Continued prayer that she will be rid of the pain once and for all and prayer that dad and her both have the strength to endure.

The stages of grief

September 1, 2011

The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Some like to throw a few other stages in there, but I like these five because there are less of them, and hey….the less I have to deal with the better.  You have plenty of options, only a few will lead you back to any kind of normalcy.  So, at this time what stage are we looking at?  Depression and some form of anger are going hand in hand.  Mom doesn’t want to eat or have any appetite to do so.  Right now it is just something she is doing because she knows she has to.  There are some crying jags and she is having a hard time sleeping or staying asleep.  It could be a medication thing and we are looking into that but it could also be she just does not want to deal with this new life.  She said to me the other day that she just doesn’t want to deal with the cancer, the treatments, or be any part of it.  Logically, she knows there is no choice.  You keep fighting the fight until you can’t do it anymore.  We are not there yet, and I hope it will be a long time before we are.  I think that for me, it would be easier to be going through the process myself than to see it happening to someone I love. 

Control is obviously a big issue with me.  I will say that I was “affectionately” referred to as a drill sergeant the other day by my mother because I told her she had to get out of bed and she had to get dressed.  You know how you feel when you stay in your pajamas all day.  Blah!  In order to feel better, you need to make yourself look better.  Now I would not be pushing her like this if she seriously didn’t feel good, but when you are not in pain or sick…..buck up!  A girl has to do what a girl has to do.  If you don’t use it, you lose it.  I am sure there are a million and one of these little blurbs out there and they all hold true.

Prayer requests:  pray that mom will not have any of the nausea from the chemo drugs.  She started the Revlimid today at 10:30 am.  Prayers for continued good health and that she regain her strength so she can continue what God has in store for her.